a secret + a rainbow

This month I have been keeping a secret. Or really, it’s been longer than that. Certainly my marriage has been dying a long, slow death of many months and years. For a long while the edges of that growing reality were soft and slippery until their form became a solid thing that could not be denied. In February we were able to admit out loud that we did not love each other any more, that we wouldn’t choose each other any more. Therapy only made the situation more painfully and powerfully clear. On May 2nd I told my husband of 22 years that I was ready to let go, done trying, finished. It was a sad but powerful moment. It took strength and kindness and peace of mind, which I could feel from my toes to my finger tips and beyond.

I woke up the next morning feeling lighter and more alive than I can remember.

This May the ground has been shifting under our feet, as all the dear people in my home scramble to rediscover their footing. I had hoped that we could still live together as a family, in separate rooms, but that was just a dream. On mother’s day Brandon decided to move out, packed some things and left. And although the day was incredibly painful for my children, the clarity in its wake creates room for life and healing.

Well, there you have it. My dirty secret or perhaps my shiny, brave jewel.

I have started listening to music again. I am allowing it to crack open my heart and speak deeply to and for me. I wept when I heard this song for the first time the day after Brandon left. It’s called Rainbow by Kasey Musgrove. Please do listen.

Every life has storms. Some you grow so accustomed to that you can’t imagine any other way. When you find yourself suddenly standing under an open sky, the intense relief that wells up is enough to give you wings. But it’s more than that. It’s the rainbows. Somehow there really always is a rainbow hanging over my head. I am one of the lucky ones. Even at such a moment as this, my life is intensely sweet.

I had already planned to make this quilt, but I didn’t know what it would mean to me. The Tilda Peacock solid background is like a stormy sky and soon there will be a whole rainbow floating over my head. In the first iteration I arranged the pink and red pluses by value, with darker values at the right side (which would eventually be the quite center). The effect was too muddled. The second iteration has a scattered value arrangement and more peacock background squares to let the shapes breathe. Yesterday I added some peach and orange shades, and sketched the circular rainbow connection that would become the quilt center. Better.

When I awoke this morning I knew that I need to start fresh. I will begin again in the center of my design wall and start at the center of the quilt. I will create a dark peacock center and use more background squares throughout the work so that the plus shapes are more defined.

I am trusting that this new journey is going to be beautiful, and I am eager to get started.